From the time I was 13, I became obsessed with work and self-improvement. I have found computer programming early on as a field I could have utilised both my creativity and fight my insecurities. By being able to know more than people at my age, I have felt better for myself. It is a funny feeling. You know you are still dumb shit, but everybody around you thinks you are this wiz kid. Over the years, I have moved from programming to business, from business to trading, from trading to management and leadership building companies and projects from ground up. I am proud of my achievements, but I have also stretched it too much, too far. By thinking I am invincible, I have made myself a success junkie. A plan junkie. A framework and principles junkie. Some people in my shoes, would be the most happy people on earth, but I have to admit, I payed the price.
Pain is a great teacher. Both physical and psychological pain gives you clues. It teaches you couple of important points:
Breath has unique healing capabilities. If you breathe deeply, you clean your body energy and replenish your organs. You give life to your cells. You recycle the bad and get the good. I have been having long term gut issues and every time I deploy deep breathing, my conditions improve. So how can you breathe when you feel pain? Just breathe into your pain whenrever you feel it, deeply. Imagine that you are breathing in a strength and healing white light into your wound. Breathe out back through the wound and imagine that the light has been transformed into white gas full of energy and love. Repeat it twice a day and every time your will be eating large meal. Create condition in which your body can heal because together with food, breathe is life.
Listening to your body can be sometimes difficult. Especially when nobody taught us tuning in. You know, when doctors and health specialist tells you, “just listen to your body”. I think 70% of the population just have no fucking clue what they are talking about. What do you mean listen to your body? I dont even know what fucking frequency I should listen to. I mean I know when I am death tired, but isnt that just part of life. Isnt that too late already? Didnt the “successful” tell us that you can sleep when you are death? Actually over the last 12months I have learned that tuning-in to listen to your body is a skill like any other and it did not come naturally to me, I have to learned it. In order to learn it I needed to do it the opposite way. Only after I started doing all the good stuff and build consistency, I have learned to differentiate between good and bad with greater detail. This is how I was able to start reading signals of my body with better precision, by building consistency in how good feels like. It’s not perfect, it is a journey.
I am the worst judge of myself. The toughest, most scary judge of all. Me. When I am scared, I judge myself for being scared. When I eat too much or to little, I am judging. When I am not patient or I am to slow to act. When I am suppose to do something and I didnt. And on and on and on. What an utter nonsense. This can get you over time only to a mad house. Your reality is only your own. You are creater of it but that inner voice is constantly there. I once have heard that you can never get rid of feeling emotions, but you can change relationship with them. That who is aware of fear, can’t be fearful. That who is aware of anxiety, can’t be anxious. Its easier said than done. How can one keep himself in this high state of awareness? I believe by practice. Day to day, transition by transition. Every time anything that is taking your attention appears, try ty be aware of it. Thats it. No more. Like the observer but with no obligation. This practice over time builds your ability to change your relationship with whatever is stealing your attention. And for fuck sake, dont judge it! There is no right or wrong, there is just a way of being present when you can.
I once heared that change takes a quarter to implement. You need a first month to implement changes, second month to sustain & consolidate them and third one to start seeing the benefits. I am also constantly amazed how often I keep rediscovering same shit over and over again :). Its almost like to break old patterns of thinking or a routine and to install new ones you need constant reminders. Daily and weekly, you must revisit them to remember. And sticky notes do not work! They blend with the environment very quickly and that Aha! moment is lost. You constantly need to rediscover forms in which they still ring the bell otherwise they fade into some memento that has no transforming value anymore. So keep rediscovering same old, same old, there is nothing wrong with you, change just takes time, patience and different forms of looking at the same thing to last.
Objective requires unbiased repeatable structure that has positive track record. No I am not talking about trading, I am talking about life. Our day to day perceptions of reality are only our observations. Biased with our past experience and contexts. If you take aristocrat, fireman and programmer and ask them what they see when they look at the bowl of fruits, you will get different answers. At very high level you will get similar description of the objects (two appled, three oranges, one pineapple), but the moment you go into the field of emotions/perceptions you get something subjective (too many or too little, fresh or expired, like or dislike) but each of them will consider it objective. We all create our subjective reality based on our experience and try to persuade others that our subjective reality is the main objective reality. Lets just accept that others have their reality and want to tweak theirs reality in order for ours to be in better balance. By accepting there is nothing like objective reality we will free ourself of right or wrong and become better, more relaxed, less egoistic human beings as a whole.
We do many things to please others in order to feel good about ourself. To get others approval. The root cause is our inner insecurities. Waking up the true hero inside us is understanding the motives behind our actions. When you give a gift to people you love, to a certain way it is a selfish act. You expect that thankfulness for the gift at the deeper level. So what if no appraisal comes? No thankfulness? Are you gonna be disapointed? Sad? The reaction of the other person to your gift is totally outside of your control. Are you gonna be angry, sad, frustrated? If you will, your motives were probably wrong. You expect to give and your satisfaction should come from the act of giving (inside of your control), not the act of receiving (outside of your control). Understanding the motives why you do certain things gets you closer to your inner peace. We just need to be aware of it.
Since caveman and tribes, we have always been living under constrains of not being fully authentic. If head of tribe disliked you, your likelihood of being mispelled from tribe meant almost certain death. So you tried hard. You know what is great about today?! You dont have to be part of any tribe to survive. You can truly choose to be authentic. And what does it actually mean to be authentic? To live by values that every man should cultivate. It also means choosing the right people and right profession so you can live by those values. And you are right, you have to be picky, but to be authentic is truly worth it!
You are energy complex. I have been repeating this mantra on this blog over and over. Love as well as hate are both energies. So powerful that memories you associate with them can be stored in your body for the rest of your life. Whenever your thoughts are dark and your mood is sorrow, just bring the feeling of love out. Encapsulate all the darkness with that energy. It might sound a bit hippie but for those who have tried it they must have noticed that love is truly a superpower we have every moment of our lives at a tips of our neural pathways. This superpower can truly beat the darkness, just bring it out and let it shine on the darkness.