Loosing to find
In a recent weeks I have changed my life the most I have in the past ten years. I have moved outside the country I have been living in my whole life and started to work on a craft I have long time dreamed of about perfecting. I would almost say I have been getting ready for this moment my whole life. Right when the moment came, the COVID19 hit the world. Not only that, my health is still not ideal, still having this chronic abdominal pain and I am separated from my family and loved ones. They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger. And if nothing, this experience will make just that. In middle of all of this, my journey for the craft perfection just began. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of new things I am learning. Everyday I wake up eager to learn and excited to get out and perfect it, but as the day progresses I feel how little I know. By the end of the day I am totally exhausted, feeling like my head will explode but happy that I had a chance to perfect new things. To feel passion again. To fight another day. As days go by, I feel like I am actually not moving forward but actually slowing down. I feel like, that I have to lose what I have learned to found it again. At times, this part is the hardest part so far of my journey. This idea of not knowing if I can truly make it, if I can truly perfect it. That doubt that I have everyday in my mind. These doubts come and go and I try to stay as optimistic as I can. These doubts that point out towards the strong neural pathways and scream: “no longer true, lose it”. Will I ever find what works and what does not in this craft. Will I ever perfect it? Will I succeed. I am overwhelmed. But there is one thing, that keeps me going and that is love for this craft. Because everyday, we are born again and everyday we have an opportunity to learn and change. Everyday I can truly learn to lose old ways of doing things, to found and learn the new ways. It is only our old habits, ego, routines, assumptions that are nothing else than strengthen neural pathways of the past. And I feel, in order to succeed in anything, one must begin everyday with a beginners mind, one must first lose the old in order to found the new and become great at the craft one is perceiving. Day by day. A principle worth having in our journey of life.